This is a blog to remind me of who God is, what He has done, how He has blessed me, and to otherwise "remember all the Lord's commands and obey them" (Numbers 15:37-41).
And, of course, for comparison ---> Bethany at 39wks 3 days just before the induction.
Life is on hold right now. I am bored out of my mind and in pain since I am off my muscle relaxer in preparation for "imminent delivery." Imminent delivery my foot. She's gonna stay in there forever. I know, not really. At the very least I have an induction set for next Monday, so Rebekah - you're eviction notice does have a date on it now.
I am a planner. I am the type of personality who likes to know what’s coming. I like to have a plan that I am working on and toward. Please do not confuse that with my being a Dreamer. I am not a dreamer. I do not look way out in the future and think of all the things that might happen. I look a little ways out into the future and chart a realistic course toward a realistic goal that is fully attainable from what I can tell. That being said, there is a lot about life that totally doesn’t make sense. What was the point in my having been severely burned at the age of twelve? What has been the point of a severe lack of income for our family the past several years? Why was a friend’s husband killed and left to raise three young children on her own? There are so many questions and circumstances that we run into everyday in life that don’t make sense. How are we to make it through life without stressing out constantly? How can I, specifically, live my life filled with peace and hope when so much of it is painful and a struggle and may not seem to make much sense?
It would be so nice to be able every once in awhile to look down from the sky and see the bigger picture, to see where this insanity and pain and monotony fits in to what God is doing. See, we know that God is doing something good with all this, but just what is it? There are so many questions that could be asked of God if we were given the opportunity to get a little clarity on the bigger picture. But we are not given that opportunity. So now what?
Trust.
We have been given the Bible. The Bible is filled with promises given to us by God. We are told in Isaiah 55:8-9 “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways my ways,” declares that Lord. “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways, and My thoughts than your thoughts.” We simply cannot comprehend the mind of God. The best ideas we can come up with as to how something should or could or might or will work out is but a tiny drop in the bucket of the plans God has laid out from before time began. And we are told in Romans 8:28 “And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.” So we know that somehow He is going to make it all be good in the end. In the end, it comes down to trust. Do I choose to trust God and take Him at His Word? Or do I choose to ignore His Word and try to figure it all out on my own?
The peace that passes understanding that we always hear Christian leaders talking about comes when we choose to trust God and rest in His promises. As the song above says, when at His feet your whole life has been laid, then your soul is able to find rest in Him and in the higher ways that He has planned that we will probably never be able to see or comprehend. At that point, when the road ahead is unclear and life is clouded by pain and unanswered questions, we can still rest in Him and His ways and His love, and still be filled with hope – the expectation of that which is to come – eternity with Jesus free from pain.
My husband and I are finding that peace and hope that comes only in resting in the Father. When you get married, it is so easy to find your joy and peace and hope in your spouse, rather than in the Lord. Through the past 15 or so months we have been apart so much that we are unable to rely so fully on the other person for our joy and peace and hope. My husband is not here for me to turn to when the good or the bad comes along. If I am to have any sort of joy or peace or hope, I have to find it at the feet of the Father. And we are finding that the peace, joy and hope we found in one another was so incomplete! It was just a shadow of what we are finding now when we have no real choice but to turn to God! And to think that this, too, on this side of eternity, is still but a shadow of what will come! Incomprehensible Joy and Peace!
Anybody in their right mind Would've given up their preaching and headed for home They've been warned a hundred times But something inside them keeps giving them hope And just when you think they'd be crying Instead of the tears, there's joy in their eyes
[Chorus 1:] What kind of joy is this That counts it a blessing to suffer What kind of joy is this That gives the prisoner his song What kind of joy could stare death in the face And see it as sweet victory This is the joy of a soul that's forgiven and free
Anybody else with his pain Would want to shake their fist at heaven And give up the fight 'Cause trouble had been Paul's middle name Ever since he'd been captured by God's blinding light But just when his hope should be dying If you listen you'll hear him singing a song
[Chorus 1]
[Chorus 2:] What kind of joy is this The Father has promised his children What kind of joy is this That Jesus has come to reveal What kind of joy could give hope in this world To someone just like you and me This is the joy of a soul that's forgiven and free I've found this joy for my soul is forgiven and free
How? How do we do it? How do we handle the difficulties and the separations? How do we handle not seeing or touching or talking for weeks and months on end? And how do we continue to be joyful through it all? Joy is a topic that my husband and I have been talking about for months – since at least March, maybe even longer. It has constantly seemed to creep up into our conversations and emails. There is so much pain in the military - the busy schedules, the separations ranging from 3 months to even up to 18 months at a time in the Army, so I’ve heard, the drinking, the death, the divorce rate, etc. How can we find joy?
Because we are forgiven and free! Because of Jesus! For my husband, ministering within the confines of the military can often be tricky dodging the political correctness, etc. And for many people, those minefields of political correctness are enough reason to high tail it in the other direction. But God constantly brings men and women into his life and through his office doors who are in need of what only Jesus can offer – forgiveness! Not every conversation heads specifically in that direction, but there are constantly seeds being planted whether those men and women realize it or not. And that is a cause for joy!
As for me, I am the wife who gets left behind to hold down the fort and raise four children under the age of eight while being pregnant with number five. Why don’t I turn tail and run? Why don’t I gripe and moan and complain? It’s hard! I have a right to whine, don’t I? But why should I? My husband was gone from mid-August 2010 to early November 2010 – and I moved us from Florida to North Carolina by myself during that time. Then he was in the field for training the last two plus weeks of January 2011. And then he was out in California for more training from the last week of March through the first week of May 2011. And now he’s been gone to Afghanistan since about mid-June. That’s a lot of being gone – can I have a pity party now? No! I am filled with joy and expectation! Has the last fifteen months or so been a piece of cake? No, I have had my bad days or weeks. The initial adjustment to this new normal took several months longer than transitions for me usually do. But this time around I have had a peace about where we are both at in life right now so that I can’t deny God’s hand in it all. I am learning things and being given opportunities to talk with women that I never would have had or taken because of this time in our lives. I am seeing God work in my life and my husband's life and the kids’ lives. I am learning to lean on God. I am learning to ask for and receive help from others! Yet, I am also learning the benefits of having a stubborn and independent spirit, too! Did I mention I am learning to lean on and trust in God? As joy-filled as life has been, it has been some of the most difficult times of life, too, and I have had to learn a level of trust in Him that I haven’t seen the need for previously. Having been severely burned as a child, I am acquainted with pain and grief and loneliness, and though I was able to find a level of joy and trust through that time, it pales in comparison to now. God is faithful! His Word is Truth! I have a lot to learn, yet, in this Christian walk through life, but I wouldn’t trade these difficult times for anything. I can look back on my accident as a child and see growth and protection through that time, and even now through this current time of life I can already see growth and protection. I should be crying and depressed right now, but I am not. I am forgiven and free and held in the arms of my Savior and that is such a joy-filled place to be that I cannot even express it! Honestly, I don’t know that I really understand it. I want to grab it and hold on tight, but it is elusive. It must just be accepted, I guess, with the release of the anxiety of life. Thank you, Jesus!
Nobody stood and applauded them So they knew from the start This road would not lead to fame All they really knew for sure was Jesus had called to them He said "Come follow me" and they came With reckless abandon they came
Empty nets lying there at the water’s edge Told a story that few could believe and none could explain How some crazy fishermen agreed to go where Jesus lead With no thought for what they would gain For Jesus had called them by name and they answered
[Chorus:] We will abandon it all for the sake of the call No other reason at all but the sake of the call Wholly devoted to live and to die For the sake of the call
Drawn like the rivers are drawn to the sea No turning back for the water cannot help but flow Once we hear the Savior's call we'll follow wherever he leads Because of the love He has shown And because he has called us to go we will answer
We will abandon it all for the sake of the call No other reason at all but the sake of the call Wholly devoted to live and to die
[Bridge:] Not for the sake of a creed or a cause Not for a dream or a promise Simply because it is Jesus who calls And if we believe we'll obey
[Chorus]
Why? That is the big question. Why did my husband become a Chaplain rather than a pastor? Why would he leave a decent paying job at Target with the potential to go far within the company and just have a part-time position at a church somewhere? Why would we settle for a job where he has the potential to be away from the family for so much of our lives, and even a potential to be killed? Why when there are other ways of making a living? Why head toward the military when very few people – family or friends – really supported our decision? And why did I not stop him?
As the song states – it was for the sake of the call. My husband graduated with his M.Div. in May of 2008, if I remember my dates correctly. He had been putting out applications all over the country for full-time pastorate positions and earlier that semester we had moved to Florida pursuing what we thought was going to turn into a full-time position. That fell through and he continued to send out hundreds of applications. Basically, the two requirements for full-time pastoral ministry at that time were 1) have at least 5-10 years of experience and 2) be willing to serve full-time for about $18,000 per year. With a brand new degree and three children under age four, we couldn’t pass either requirement.
At some point after moving to Florida he was hired by Target and throughout the next year or so of employment he did well and was rising through the ranks with a good future ahead of him. He was also serving as Associate Pastor at a local church, unpaid, with as much time as he was able. One problem with all this: even though we were able to pay our bills (a very important thing for my sanity), neither of us was truly content with where our life was at.
And then one of us had the idea of the military – my husband says it was me. I have no clue who it was. If it was me, it just proves that is even more of a God-thing to even consider heading in that direction because after having gone to a predominately military college as a civilian student, I had become pretty much dead set against being married to someone in the military. Not going to happen! But regardless of whose idea it was, we both began praying about and researching this possibility. We both felt God leading us in this direction. Looking at the requirements, both spoken and unspoken, it seemed as though we were tailor-made for this pursuit. And for the first time in quite a while, we both had an excitement and a peace about a ministry direction.
I knew that there would be resistance to us pursuing this direction. There was no one standing and applauding us, as the song says, as we went through the application process – just doubters and naysayers. Road blocks were often met with smiles and laughter on their part, and more determination and prayer on our part.
But I also knew, beyond a doubt, that we were headed in the right direction. We had finally found our place in where to serve God. I cannot even begin to explain the peace I had over my husband going through the whole, long, drawn-out application process. It was a completely different experience from what ministry and the pursuit of ministry had been for the previous two or three years, at least. For the first time we were completely united in the pursuit of the call of Christ. Previously one or the other of us just felt uncomfortable with where we were at without ever really knowing or understanding why. But now we have found something that we can honestly say we are pursuing until they kick us out! Who knows what exactly the future will bring or what it will look like, but he has the potential to put in about 30 years with the military and so that is what we are pursuing for our future serving the Lord. Oh, the peace that passes understanding! Thank you, Jesus!!
And for contrast, Bethany at 39 weeks 3 days ------------->
I'm a bit pregnant - and not really due any time soon. This was taken Saturday at almost 34 weeks. I still have 6 weeks left until my due date.
And I usually go late by about 6 days.
I had the best of intentions to post my series before I left for Florida for Thanksgiving. Obviously that didn't happen, and since I've been back the pregnancy has definitely taken it's toll on me. Everything is taking infinitely longer to do and hurts a whole lot more. Ah, such is life. What we do for our little ones.
So anyways, life is painful, but very good. We are looking forward to Christmas in a week, seeing daddy in a few weeks and Rebekah a few weeks after that! God is very good!
I am the wife of a Chaplain in the United States Navy who is currently serving with the United States Marines in Afghanistan. He has a blog in which he chronicles, as much as he is able, some of his journey through life as a chaplain. This is my blog in which I am very hit or miss simply chronicling my life, mostly as a mother, actually mostly the lives of our children. I think I have posted once on my husband's blog, and very rarely do I mention on this blog how anything with the Chaplaincy affects me. That is partly because one of the main reasons I started my blog was simply as a way to let family know through pictures and some text what was going on with the kids since, at the time, we were living away from both sides of the family. The blog wasn't so much about Philip and I. Grandparents want to know about the grandkids! Not their kids! LOL!
A couple weeks ago I was driving home from my parents' cabin with all four kids in the back of the van. I spent most of the trip with the IPod coming through the speakers set to just randomly play through my Christian music. An hour or two from home a song by Steven Curtis Chapman came on and it got me thinking about my life in general, but specifically about the last two years. It got me thinking about where we are today and what brought us to this point. The song finished, but I needed to hear it again so I flipped the IPod to the Steven Curtis Chapman CD and began listening to it again. I was lost in thought when the song finished and the next song, randomly selected from within the CD, began. Another song totally relating to our journey toward and in the Chaplaincy, as well as a topic both of us have been contemplating and discussing for months both before and during this current deployment! Not surprisingly, the third randomly selected song from his CD was also quite a propos to the situation, as well. My brain was turning a mile a minute! At that point, for a reason quite unknown to me now, I had to pull off the highway for a stop - gas, food bathroom, discipline? Who knows. Who really cares? Anyhow, when we got back on the highway, I don't know if I even turned any music back on immediately - I had so much going through my mind. Already I was thinking I ought to blog my thoughts.
Over the past two years, Philip and I have gotten many questions and many confused looks, and many people who have known us before we headed in this direction didn't really seem to support or agree with our decision. This post is the beginning of a short series I want to do on our journey in the Chaplaincy from my perspective - the why's and how's and how are we doing.
will begin tonight. Hopefully I can figure out exactly how to do what I want to do. I am not very smart when it comes to maintaining a blog. That is why I use blogger rather than creating my own blog with it's own domain name. Because blogger is pretty intuitive for a slowpoke like me. Maybe someday Philip will create (and thus help to maintain) my own blog. Or maybe not. Since I can't seem to stay on top of blogging regularly. Either way. For now - this one works, and I WILL make it do what I want it to do!! Hmmm. Where is that Help link . . .
<---- 40 weeks
